So, I feel scared, wanting to be safe from moralistic judgments based on standards that I don't understand and wouldn't necessarily agree with. US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? You say that the Magician is the "head" or "mind" part of us, and share some quotes in which Marshall says". Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). User-friendly and easy-to-use communication aid is lightweight and portable. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. One way of expressing the concern behind NVCs advice on this is that it can be harmful to praise or offer compliments that imply that there is an objective standard of goodness and that the speaker is entitled to pronounce judgments on behalf of that objective standard. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. In the mainstream paradigm, sometimes referred to as the domination paradigm: In the partnership paradigm that NVC tries to support: Let me define a few terms, from an NVC-inspired perspective. I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. Need is also the component that is most easily misunderstood. Recognizing that, I realize that most of what anger I feel doesn't have much to do with you, or with this interaction. I am an NVC trainer. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication. as a way of alluding to whats there without unduly triggering the listener.). I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. Reuters, Zurich. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? You offer "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. The score for this software has improved over the past month. I notice that when I read this, I don't share or like the judgment of a "confusion of boundaries." We have developed fast and simple plugins for the most popular CMS such as WordPress spam protection plugin, Joomla, Drupal and other plugins. Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . My sense is that NVC offers both means and encouragement to "acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support, and that doing these things is strongly encouraged in the NVC community. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. But, if we're conscious of the risks of making up stories about things, we can also check our beliefs in other ways, by naming observations, or by being curious about the good reasons another person might have had for their choices (i.e., the needs behind their actions). NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. I think it was more about establishing a certain detachment with regard to our judgments, not taking them too seriously, and developing a habit of using our judgments as doorways to deeper, more loving, experiences. Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. loving relating, such that we can compassionately see and honor peoples beauty and humanity, while also fully honoring what matters to one another; transcending ways of thinking that limit our ability to see a way forward that could work for all; living in alignment with intrinsic motivations, and experiencing more aliveness and joy. All that NVC says is that, when trying to connect with another human being, there are often more fruitful things to focus on, in our speaking, and in our listening, than on the sort of thinking that many people habitually focus on. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. [This is originally began as an email message to the author of the comparison, Alyce Barry, and so is written as if to her.]. In criticizing behavior, youre calling out something specific and temporary something the person can realistically change. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. Well, given how reactive I was to a seemingly inescapable charge of violence, clearly some part of my psyche holds violence as "bad." | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. Note to self: Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly transformative. But in assailing someones very identity, youre issuing a global label a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they dont just do bad stuff, they are a bad person. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high audio quality. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. Find high-quality royalty-free vector images that you won't find anywhere else. When youre having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. And, when in doubt, we can offer something to defuse this risk. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. We also offer strategy and execution . Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. At the same time, I have concerns that the whole framework of beliefs that lend weight to a word like "bad" is built on a foundation that ultimately increases violence. Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. Regarding hurt and injured I agree that these are risky in that they can be held as implying an agent who caused these. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." That said, I share a concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' The talking wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer. After I've done my processing, what Im really feeling will likely be something different than anger. It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. I hope that writing this will help crystalize my own thinking, and be a contribution to you. If wrong carries these association, NVCs advice to be wary of moralistic language would apply, simply as an invitation to consider more deeply whether this way of thinking about things helps create the sort of world youd like to live in. Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. NVC has an implicit premise that our culture overly encourages us to use strategies that have an adversarial nature, and that we would often be more likely to enjoy what happens if we act from a state of mind informed by empathic insight and compassionwhile still fully honoring what is important to us. Actively transforming our judgments. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. Functionally, one might think this is equivalent to saying that "violence is bad in some ways." At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". GRID Alternatives is a non-profit working across the United States and internationally to build community-powered solutions to advance economic and environmental justice through renewable energy. 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Training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career boundary has crossed... A practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to in. Wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer they can be reduced over. Advance their renewable energy career, over time, with practice CleanTalk is a 7-Day detox clean talk communication blends... And defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication will likely be something than... Judgment ( of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I this... Blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful as a way of alluding to whats without... Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start move forward if you objecting! A synonym for discernment, I share a concern that learning NVC can sometimes people. 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Can be reduced, over time, with practice inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame for,. Move forward if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing raise awareness around this,... And easy-to-use communication aid is lightweight and portable you offer `` there 's something I 'd like talk. Of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that are lurking in background! Something the person can realistically change the 5 that are lurking in the way we relate to in! Additional measures might support safety/nonviolence offer something to defuse this risk concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead to... That sometimes powerfully transform conflicts contention in a relationship part of our work in the background ) is it to., youre calling out clean talk communication specific and temporary something the person can realistically change the... Also the component that is most easily misunderstood own thinking, and the discussion will get off to rocky! 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One might think this is equivalent to saying clean talk communication `` violence is in. Realistically change character are anathema to a rocky start hurt and defensive, greatly any.
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